Generation Magazine

By Dino Husejnovic

I do not know how I survived so many years of life without an iPhone. I cannot remember how I managed to wait for an hour at the DMV, and not go crazy from being bored out of my mind. I certainly have no idea what got me through the bus ride from Goodyear to Flint Loop during my freshman year. But what makes me wonder the most is how I have gotten through so much time sitting on the toilet while doing nothing.

It is estimated that the average person will spend three years of their life using the toilet.  Most people use the time on the toilet to relax and reflect, but I do not want to spend three years sitting on a toilet and pondering the meaning of life. Instead, I want to be productive, connected, entertained, informed, or anything else that will make the time enjoyable. The iPhone is only one of gateways to making the visit to the bathroom more than just nature calling.

This may seem like a disturbing concept, but based on a small survey, conduct by myself, I have realized that only a tiny portion of the students at UB have strong negative feelings when it comes to being connected on the john. Out of the 20 students I interrogated, 17 admitted to regularly using their cell phone while using the bathroom. And I say interrogated because most of the 17 rejected the claim at first, due to embarrassment. The other three strongly opposed it, referring to the time in the bathroom as a time of meditation, relaxation and reflection.

Why does our culture frown upon the use of electronic devices in the bathroom? Just because our ancestors had to walk out of the house to do their business and there was no Wi-Fi to reach the outhouse, does not mean we should be afraid of bringing our dear phones, iPods and even netbooks into the bathroom. Is it the fact that taking a crap is considered dirty; therefore we would be transferring germs to our beloved devices? By this logic, it would mean that we should enter the bathroom naked, considering that our clothing probably absorbs more germs and odors during one visit than a phone would. Imagine almost finishing your essay that is due in half an hour and you suddenly feel the need to go to the bathroom. Would you sacrifice your academic success just to succumb to the pressures of our culture? No, of course not—you will bring the laptop with you and type away.

According to the little survey I conducted, the most popular device to bring to the bathroom is a phone. The limitations of the phone determine the entertainment possibilities. The iPhone, or any type of smartphone, is the ideal device to do business with, because of the wide range of connectivity and application options the user has, and also one-handed operation.

The future looks even brighter when it comes to toilet entertainment, or, as I like to call it, “toiletainment.” According to the hosts of Diggnation, Alex Albrecht and Kevin Rose, the iPad is the “perfect pooping device.” I agree with the weirdness factor. Bringing an iPad to the bathroom? Weird. But it makes sense. We use our laptops when we sit in bed or at the table, and we use our cell phones to talk while we walk or eliminate awkwardness in the elevator. The iPad fits right in between those activities, and so does going to the bathroom. With the large easy-to-read screen, a bookstore, and all your favorite iPhone applications like Facebook, Tweetie 2, and Fart Machine, it makes perfect sense that the iPad will be the perfect pooping device—although using Fart Machine on a toilet is kind of redundant.

At the end of the day, we all love to think we’re innocent and squeaky clean little students, but in reality, we all share the same little secret. We are bored on the toilet and we love our technology, so we occasionally use it in socially unaccepted situations. I am here to tell you that you are not the only one. “Research” has proven that UB loves dropping a deuce and tweeting about it. You can ponder the meaning of life while waiting for your prints in Lockwood.   Use your potty time wisely—play a game of Facebook Scrabble with your girlfriend, pay your bills, delete creepy friend invites, and make sure you always disinfect your device.

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