By Paul Stephan and Laura Borschel
As kids, what did you guys want to be when you grew up?
HS: At different points, I wanted to be a paleontologist, a hockey player, and a CEO. So I
wanted to be the CEO of the world’s first all-dinosaur hockey team. Needless to say, my dreams
went bankrupt, were killed by a meteor, and pulled a hammy.
SS: Inspired at six years old by the popular action drama film Rush Hour, I made the decision
that I could physically become Jackie Chan. Later, I became obsessed with meat, and decided
to become a butcher.
Who was your first classroom crush?
HS: Erin Miller. Ooooh yeah. Fourth grade, Mrs. Seagal’s class. Just you and me, girl. She
made my heart go all a-twitter, or at least all a-Twitter. #PrepubescentRomance
SS: My first crush was my second grade teacher Mrs. Remick. I don’t know exactly what was
about her, but something about the way she taught me to finger-paint led me to believe there
was so much more.
What were your favorite childhood games?
HS: Kickball was the f*cking shit when I was a kid. Everyone knew how to play, except for this
one weird kid Rudolph. He was super awkward and he ran with his arms down by his calves.
Needless to say, we never let poor Rudolph join in any childhood games. I know, I’m really
corny this week. I apologize.
SS: One game that my twin brother would “play” with me was “Let’s put useless shit I don’t want
and hide it in Laura’s room.” I would everything from bibles to Britney Spears from 2007 to 2009.
I feel like I grew up too fast. How do I reach out to my inner-child?
HS: Might I suggest Oregon Trail? It was a great way to let your dysentery-ridden friends die
and ford rivers in badass fashion. We just can’t do that stuff now that we’re adults. It wouldn’t be
socially acceptable in college to stay inside for hours, bring ourselves into an alternate state of
consciousness, and not accomplish anything.
SS: Become an adult baby! What more could you want? A woman taking care of your every
need and also boobs.
What were your first words?
HS: “Fuck the police.”
SS: According to my parents my first word was “no,” but we all know that really means “yes.”
My childhood dream was to be the first Jewish unicorn to go into space. What were your
HS: I had a dream that one day, this nation will riiiiiise up and live out the true meaning of its
Creed: With arms wide open, under the sunlight, welcome to this place, I’ll show you everything.
SS: I wanted to be a boy. I would pick a new name each week and my parents would call me
by it. Shortly after that, I proclaimed that I was actually going to become Jackie Chan. I thought
it was possible that I could physically become a short Asian man who was the better half of a
Chris Tucker comedy duo.
Is there anything you hated as a kid that you now enjoy?
HS: I used to think that vegetarians were dumb. Then I started reading and thinking.
SS: Boys. No, just kidding. Sorry, Mom.
If you could hook up with any 90′s cartoon character, who would it be and why?
HS: Two words: Patti Mayonnaise. With that fluorescent yellow hair and polka dot shirt, who
would not have sexual relations with that woman? I just want to clear up, though, that this is
assuming we are both at the age of consent. Bitches love consent.
SS: I would pick Reggie from Rocket Power. She was the butchest butch to ever butch next
to Spinelli from recess. Let’s just say she was a girl, I was a girl, can I make that anymore
If you could tell your 8-year-old self anything, what would it be?
HS: “Listen, in a couple years, you’re going to want to cut your hair like Nick Carter from the
Backstreet Boys. Don’t.”
SS: You are a flaming homosexual. Also, NEVER get a job as a spray-on tattoo artist at Darien
Lake. It is not as cool as it sounds. Your main clientele will be five year olds wanting tramp
stamps and forty year old women who want boob tattoos, and they won’t take no for an answer.
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